defeat are connected to deankles, but it smells just the same. i post talkin all high and mighty about resisting the cravings, and what do i do at 3am? drive to donut store, but 1 dozen donuts and large cup of decaf w/ cream & sugar. come back home, eat 6 donuts, 1/2 cup of coffee, go to bed. wake up, chill for a while then eat 4 1/2 more donuts because i can't throw them out now, and i'll bet you $600 that the other 2 will be eaten in a matter of minutes - hungry or not. this is the evil fucking monkey that lives in my closet, to quote a one famous cynical family-themed cartoon. it's out of my control now
but, i knew i was going for italian later today so at least i don't feel completely worthless.. sometimes the urge comes over me and i can't stop.. i pace around the apartment praying i don't have to go to the donut store but wh00ps.. there i am. what the fuck is wrong with me? stupid stupid stupid.. and the worst part is the guilt. you'd think i could just laugh it off and go about life but this will burn deep in my shame gland for weeks to come, no lie. i can pretty much remember all the junk i've binged on before a fast, for the last dozen or so fasts i've done.. it's like the meal after your first kill (get the seth mcfarlane theme going here?)
here's the thing. i have a 10 minute deadline to get up and start cleaning my home, and all i can do is think how stupid i am for eating the god damn donuts. welcome to my weird world of identity crisis + bizarro rationale.
tomorrow's going to be different, you just wait.. (.. and i mean it this time)*
* amount of times this phrase has been echoed since birth: 354,223 times as of June 15th 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
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2 comments:
Wow! Deja vu or what. I do that all the time, pacing around and suddenly I have a dozen donuts from crispy creme. I totally forgot about them until you brought them up, and now it's the only thing I can think of... urghhhhh.
Don't beat urself up,tomorrow's going to be different :)
-N1F
:) it's been a while since I've read or posted on your blog (damn, Junior Year! hopefully senior year is easier.. )
looks like anonymous might like you? O.o
Anyways, I'm debating if I should start my fast-diet. My friend is. She gained 15 pounds after her freshman year of tennis season (yeah. she's a sophomore becoming a junior) She's a determined person and all, but she's loud and obnoxious about it. Basically all I've been doing is ab rollers (look it up on youtube) and running a bit (against doctor's orders. but w/e).
But seriously, I'm considering doing my old "cut" diet. Where I cut everything in half until the amounts of food are almost negligible. comments?
PS - as anonymous said - "tomorrow's going to be different. :)"
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