I Pop 2 Stims & I Smoke a Fat Blunt

time was 8:00am this morning. the cool sounds of Motorola Q alarm clock polyphonic mp3 sound choice "Free" reminding me that it was time to roll over and take 100mg of Vyvanse for an adventurous hopefully productive saturday june 14th.. after all, tomorrow's father's day and i'm going to a fancy italian restaurant tomorrow with mom and pop dukes.. the sister is coming too which is dope.. but the issue still lurks in the back like the 4,000 ton gorilla sitting in the room (more like caving in the left side of the house). that gorilla, you ask? what to do about the food.

being anorexic isn't a lifestyle choice. it's not chic, and i swear to fucking whatever that if they made a pill to stop the conscience from running my life and telling me what a worthless piece of shit fat people are (vis a vie: me if i'm fat) then i might stop posting to blogs about my problems. i'm not a psychologist.. i don't have any degrees in brainology but i've read a very large amount on nutrition and dietary trends.. as well, i've studied the countless bullshit diets that make people "lose 40 pounds in 40 days!"

it's all horseshit. fucking nonsense. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS: thin people are looked at more favorably in this late 2000's American society that i live in. i have seen this countless times from the first memory i have of being called the fat kid to this very minute i type. and do not get it twisted, i still remember everything in that scene - that first fat joke - which burned into my young naive psyche like a cattleprod on virgin cow ass.

regardless, it's still there. i smoke a lot of cigarettes to curb the hunger and found them to be the best daily regiment until i finally get through the rest of the food in my house (which is very little now). then i can finally begin a real fast. the fucking crazy meds do a number on one's ability to naturally fight off hunger. allow me to digress..

each morning, after the shower, i take 40mg of lexapro, .5mg of clonazepam (klonopin generic), 50mg of vyvanse, and i chase it all down with a one-a-day weightsmart advanced vitamin. that keeps me hunger free and focused for the whole day - without coffee, i've found - and by the time i get home around latest 6pm, it's on it's way out of my system for it's 8pm 12-hour time release deadline.

so to recap, i get home at 6pm, still wired a bit so i smoke some chronic.. i get good and high (since i've stopped smoking during the day, the nighttime blaze is terrrrrrrific) and still am ok enough to fight the hunger off even though the thoughts are occurring more and more often.

finally by 9pm, it's the deadline to take my final insanity pill - 200mg of seroquel. this is the best sleeping / mood stabilizer / anti-depressant combination i've ever found, but it has a nasty side effect of increasing appetite. so i'm still high at 9pm - since i haven't stopped smoking since 6pm and won't stop until i pass out at around 11 - and doing ok. still fighting the urges.

9:28pm hits. it's like a shotgun blast to my skull, it hits me like no other.. the irresistable urge to eat. and to eat fast. and a lot. it's like this medication turns on OCD compulsive eating. it's basically the most difficult test of willpower i have EVER gone through. this makes quitting pot smoking look like a walk in the park. (editor's note: i quit several years ago when trying to find my job; turns out the awesome employers don't drug test and i currently have my dream job still).

so, 9:28pm and the hunger is explosive. i resist the urge to get up to search the kitchen... for about 2 minutes. its as if someone is pulling me by the nostrils out of my comfy chair on a scavenger hunt to quiet the demons in my stomach. and this is a dangerous time. as i said, it's all about compulsive eating - there's no patience to cook anything. so i'm grabbing any fucking thing i see laying out. sometimes, when there's no food i've even gone out on a manic shopping frenzy where i come back with $150 worth of junk and nonsense. embarrassing and angering at the same time.

but, it's been weeks since i've gone shopping, and i compensate for this when i do plan a shopping trip ahead of time by getting lots of fruit. canned, fresh, juice, you name it, all fruit no candy. this is fructose so it's still evil sugar but i feel at least the vitamins/minerals i've receiving are helping more than a snickers bar would, or eating 3 boxes of smore's pop-tarts at one sitting. (this is not uncommon).

so, no eating from wake up to 9:28pm, and then i eat an entire day's worth of junk food or fruit, depending on the level of OCD versus my inherent laziness about getting out of my chair to go shopping. this war is full of tough battles, and a learned man knows he knows nothing at all.

i need to find something. a very powerful appetite supressant which does NOT contain stimulents (as we've already covered the pot+seroquel combo already counteracted one amphetamine (vyvanse) so adding a 2nd would be stupid) and which will stop the overpowering, will-shattering, self-esteem-destroying, unbarable hunger cravings i get at 9:28pm. it's just got to last 2 hours max because by then the medication has kicked in and i literally can't keep my eyes open, but those 2 hours before sleep and after pill are just plain dangerous.

readers, if you know of such an appetite suppressent, i will pay you or your company handsomely. please make this easier on me.. it's either remain at this weight (which is NOT where i want to be) or go crazy again (which is also where i do NOT want to be). the decisions we face as the crazy.. it's tough i'm telling you.

over and out kids. i'll leave you with a haiku:

do not eat that cake
let someone else gain the weight
they will laugh at him