i have to be honest, i caved and had some protein last night.. (bag of pork rinds, some beef jerky, and some salted blister peanuts - all of which had virtually no sugar/carbohydrates in them) but that's ok because the key is not to escape keitosis which happens when you go for a sugar binge mid-stream..
so, on that note, i will not disqualify myself simply because it paid off. i got up this morning slimmer than i've been in awhile, and i even got on the scale (i know, another rule broken) but what are rules if not meant to be broken? the good news: i lost over 8 lbs since beginning the fasting project 3.0
you ask, how the fuck do you know that because you didn't weigh yourself in the beginning? because i have been doing this for so long that i can generally (within 5 lbs) guess my weight before even stepping on a scale. today was a shocker as i was off by 4... but in the best way! =]
and tonight, i'm going to have some fresh-caught, home-prepared bluefish that my neighboor caught in westchester somewhere.. i told him no breading tho! pan butter-fried bluefish with garlic and other yummies is hard to pass up. which brings me to my next point...
i may be revamping my strategy because i've noticed that going several days without food, and then having protein is a faster weight loss system than complete starvation. nutritionists talk about the body going into critical intake mode, where after several days of fasting, the body's metabolism slows down.. if this is true, then teasing it every couple of days with protein will cause the body to burn the stored carbohydrates at a normal metabolic rate. fuck evolution, i'm winning this one.
that leaves me 22 lbs to go. that's nothing. that's a thanksgiving turkey.. that's an unwanted obese toddler.. i can kick both of those things pretty fucking far with my shoes off. dropping this 22lbs monkey from my person will be a piece of cake.
happy saturday, folks.. smoke a blunt
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
i really should write a book
i'm pleased to say the adventure continues through day 4: success..
the hunger is lessening everyday. my body is recalling what it's like to be without sugar and it's nice.. however i've noticed i'm having these little mini disassociative moments, for lack of a better term. it's not lightheadedness, i can spot that a mile away.. mainly because only rookies get lightheaded during a fast, and appearances are everything in this game. but these little 1/2 second moments give me the feeling of being on one of those free fall rides at 6 flags.. and then i'm instantly back to ground.. bizarro
i'm looking slimmer, sexier.. my pants are fitting again like they once did. i'm far from there but i'm making some excellent progress. enough about me, i promised you a tidbit of juiciness.. pay attention
the cold hard truth about being a fattie
by o.g. (dictated but not read)
fatties repulse me. they sicken me at a level so deep in my psyche that i believe trying to rewire it would be like removing someone's leg to stop an itchy toe. it simply makes no sense. why do people allow themselves to sloth up? well, i have several theories of which i've spent considerable years (11 to be exact) conjuring up an explanation for.. so here goes
Scenario # 1: illness, of which necessary medication causes weight gain
ok, 10 lbs is fine. (i gained 10 lbs when i started taking meds) however 80 lbs is unfuckingacceptable. where do you get off allowing yourself to expand into a pant size nearing the triple digits and then blaming it on medication? you know what i did after i gained the 10 lbs? i kept taking the medication and LOST THE WEIGHT. it is my opinion that this is the # 1 excuse used by most fatass females above the age of 20 who were once goddesses in high school but have since (through no fault of their own, of course) put on a few dozen pounds.
Scenario # 2: you have a hereditary glandular problem
this makes up for such a minute percentage of the population (less than 2% of obese american adults, i believe - though correct me if i'm being too generous) that using this as an excuse makes me think the fattie is not only lazy in lifestyle, they're lazy in thought. you can't come up with a better zinger than "uhh, i have a slow metabolism" no, 3-toed sloths from Madagascar have slow metabolisms. you're just a lazy fat repulsive woman who's too lazy to think up a good cover story for your blimpingly good looks. i wonder if all the junk food effects brain function, too?
Scenario # 3: you work too many hours to pay attention to your dietary intake
who the fuck are you? did you just declare a national disaster like some hotshot in D.C.? since when does working a lot mean EATING a lot? one of my cardinal rules from an earlier post is if you want to skip meals, work more. somehow people have misunderstood this to "Eat more in a car from drive-thrus / order chinese every single night at the office / pizza also" i work a shitload of hours. its when i DON'T work a lot that i sit at home searching for things to munch on.. ya dig?
Scenario # 4: you are just a lazy fucker who believes people come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes, and beauty is on the inside, personality is what counts, etc etc etc. i have one word for you: sexless. you preach about that hippie huggy nonsense, but i've never met a guy who sits on a park bench and watches the really fat porkers walk by and says "damn, that's a large mammal i'd love to marry, have kids, and settle down with" nuh uh, homie don't play that. the truth is, we visualize being with the gorgeous ones we see, because that reminds us on a subconscious level (remember evolution, folks) that this person is a healthy and opportune mate for procreation. there's a philosopher who claims that everything humans do, every single little action from saying "excuse me" to killing people is done with only one true goal: winning the admiration of other people. and yet, you say you can't truly fall in love until you get to know someone.
think on that awhile folks, i got fasting and cleaning to do.
p.s. thanks to my followers.. i do this for you
the hunger is lessening everyday. my body is recalling what it's like to be without sugar and it's nice.. however i've noticed i'm having these little mini disassociative moments, for lack of a better term. it's not lightheadedness, i can spot that a mile away.. mainly because only rookies get lightheaded during a fast, and appearances are everything in this game. but these little 1/2 second moments give me the feeling of being on one of those free fall rides at 6 flags.. and then i'm instantly back to ground.. bizarro
i'm looking slimmer, sexier.. my pants are fitting again like they once did. i'm far from there but i'm making some excellent progress. enough about me, i promised you a tidbit of juiciness.. pay attention
the cold hard truth about being a fattie
by o.g. (dictated but not read)
fatties repulse me. they sicken me at a level so deep in my psyche that i believe trying to rewire it would be like removing someone's leg to stop an itchy toe. it simply makes no sense. why do people allow themselves to sloth up? well, i have several theories of which i've spent considerable years (11 to be exact) conjuring up an explanation for.. so here goes
Scenario # 1: illness, of which necessary medication causes weight gain
ok, 10 lbs is fine. (i gained 10 lbs when i started taking meds) however 80 lbs is unfuckingacceptable. where do you get off allowing yourself to expand into a pant size nearing the triple digits and then blaming it on medication? you know what i did after i gained the 10 lbs? i kept taking the medication and LOST THE WEIGHT. it is my opinion that this is the # 1 excuse used by most fatass females above the age of 20 who were once goddesses in high school but have since (through no fault of their own, of course) put on a few dozen pounds.
Scenario # 2: you have a hereditary glandular problem
this makes up for such a minute percentage of the population (less than 2% of obese american adults, i believe - though correct me if i'm being too generous) that using this as an excuse makes me think the fattie is not only lazy in lifestyle, they're lazy in thought. you can't come up with a better zinger than "uhh, i have a slow metabolism" no, 3-toed sloths from Madagascar have slow metabolisms. you're just a lazy fat repulsive woman who's too lazy to think up a good cover story for your blimpingly good looks. i wonder if all the junk food effects brain function, too?
Scenario # 3: you work too many hours to pay attention to your dietary intake
who the fuck are you? did you just declare a national disaster like some hotshot in D.C.? since when does working a lot mean EATING a lot? one of my cardinal rules from an earlier post is if you want to skip meals, work more. somehow people have misunderstood this to "Eat more in a car from drive-thrus / order chinese every single night at the office / pizza also" i work a shitload of hours. its when i DON'T work a lot that i sit at home searching for things to munch on.. ya dig?
Scenario # 4: you are just a lazy fucker who believes people come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes, and beauty is on the inside, personality is what counts, etc etc etc. i have one word for you: sexless. you preach about that hippie huggy nonsense, but i've never met a guy who sits on a park bench and watches the really fat porkers walk by and says "damn, that's a large mammal i'd love to marry, have kids, and settle down with" nuh uh, homie don't play that. the truth is, we visualize being with the gorgeous ones we see, because that reminds us on a subconscious level (remember evolution, folks) that this person is a healthy and opportune mate for procreation. there's a philosopher who claims that everything humans do, every single little action from saying "excuse me" to killing people is done with only one true goal: winning the admiration of other people. and yet, you say you can't truly fall in love until you get to know someone.
think on that awhile folks, i got fasting and cleaning to do.
p.s. thanks to my followers.. i do this for you
Thursday, June 26, 2008
DAY TRACE.. cuz thats how i getz down
i kicked another day in the ass. 11 more to go. the countdown is simplistic. it echos in my head throughout the day.. encouraging me not to quit or cheat, saying "but it's almost single digits!" and so i continue onward.. my voyage never stopping, constantly bombarded with obstacles to overcome. know thyself.
last night was a close one, though.. gotta be honest. i made the mistake of watching "modern marvels - ice cream" which i downloaded illegally. (fuck you r.i.a.a.) now i already love ice cream, but to see it produced in high definition while i was a bit hungry.. that's just nearly impossible to resist. i had to continuously remind myself to stop thinking about getting up, driving to the convenience store, and buying a pint of ben&jerry's 'vanilla heath bar crunch' which just about makes me orgasm halfway though..
but i didn't. i kept to my goal, and i'm proud of myself. AND, the best part is it's showing already! I noticed my face looks thinner.. the abdomen still pudgy, not that beautiful breakers body i used to have.. but soon it will return, i know it
i have been smoking during the day again the last few days.. i like it. i was afraid the vyvanse would lose it's effectiveness but it's actually a really nice combination.. as i'd run out of lexapro over the weekend, i am beginning the feel the effects of anxiety so i think once i get the lexapro pumping in my veins again, i wont want to smoke during the day as much.. it showed up today thankfully
to my readers who comment: i'd love to be able to write each of you back personally, but to keep with the anonymity of this site (the whole reason why we do what we do.. to be normal, to go unnoticed at times, to be accepted) i wouldn't ever want to give away someone's cover.. please keep leaving me comments - they mean a great deal to me! and i'll keep writing motivational dialogues such as the useful tidbit i'm about to share in the next post. stay tuned!
last night was a close one, though.. gotta be honest. i made the mistake of watching "modern marvels - ice cream" which i downloaded illegally. (fuck you r.i.a.a.) now i already love ice cream, but to see it produced in high definition while i was a bit hungry.. that's just nearly impossible to resist. i had to continuously remind myself to stop thinking about getting up, driving to the convenience store, and buying a pint of ben&jerry's 'vanilla heath bar crunch' which just about makes me orgasm halfway though..
but i didn't. i kept to my goal, and i'm proud of myself. AND, the best part is it's showing already! I noticed my face looks thinner.. the abdomen still pudgy, not that beautiful breakers body i used to have.. but soon it will return, i know it
i have been smoking during the day again the last few days.. i like it. i was afraid the vyvanse would lose it's effectiveness but it's actually a really nice combination.. as i'd run out of lexapro over the weekend, i am beginning the feel the effects of anxiety so i think once i get the lexapro pumping in my veins again, i wont want to smoke during the day as much.. it showed up today thankfully
to my readers who comment: i'd love to be able to write each of you back personally, but to keep with the anonymity of this site (the whole reason why we do what we do.. to be normal, to go unnoticed at times, to be accepted) i wouldn't ever want to give away someone's cover.. please keep leaving me comments - they mean a great deal to me! and i'll keep writing motivational dialogues such as the useful tidbit i'm about to share in the next post. stay tuned!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
YEEEEEEUH mother fuckers!
that's right, kids. i made it past day 1 - the toughest of all the fasting days. now it's smoooooth sailing to victory. i will not weigh myself for 2 more weeks because the diet doesn't officially start until i've starved out all reminiscence of sugar or carbohydrates, and best of all, i begin the high-protein phase at the height of keitosos... instant fat burning machine.
today was easier.. the sugar depression is lifting.. it will be completely gone soon. i'd REALLY love to get my hands on some of that Acomplia (Rimonabant). if anyone here is from canada or another country, and would be willing to help me aquire said medication, please contact me! contact or w/e
not too much to add today. feeling good, bout to smoke a phat bowl, and hash another day off the list. only 12 to go until food!
today was easier.. the sugar depression is lifting.. it will be completely gone soon. i'd REALLY love to get my hands on some of that Acomplia (Rimonabant). if anyone here is from canada or another country, and would be willing to help me aquire said medication, please contact me! contact or w/e
not too much to add today. feeling good, bout to smoke a phat bowl, and hash another day off the list. only 12 to go until food!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
i am the champion.
this morning, after failing every single night since my last post, caused by keeping food in the house, i gathered anything left over.. a 1/3rd bag of corn chips, the left over tortillas from my mom's burrito donation (thanks mom but no thanks) and i put them all in a fucking garbage bag, and put them in the garbage can outside.
there is no more food.
the freezer is bare. nothing but some ice cube trays, no lie.
the fridge has a few condiments i'd never eat, some 1% milk (an acceptable exception to dietary rules - milk is ALWAYS good for you, period) and some leafy greens for my pet.. thats about it.. oh yeh, and PLENTY of Crystal lite
editor's note: i wish you could hear the track playing right now on raidchan radio (http://www.raidchan.org/radio/listen.m3u) it's fast paced and echos a sense of righteousness.. "Air - Don't Be Light" if you want to download the home game..
so fridge is empty, freezer is empty.. cabinets are bare except for some coffee accessories and 6 large cans of tuna fish - this is for much later..
all cabinets are bare. no food is situated near my grasp (this is a killer being a pothead, you're apt to grab delicious snacks you lazily left near your easy chair the night before) but not this time. there is nothing.
nothing. it's a strange concept. not for me, for i have a plan. . .
day 1: accomplished. had no coffee today because it's not the same without real sugar. i smoked a lot of cigarettes. i smoked during work which really helped with the appetite supression (seriously - if you smoke pot heavily, it's completely possible - and i encourage you to do it - to eliminate the need for munchies when you're high). this factoid is not a lie, it was shown to me by my much saner, wittier sister who told me that in college, she was living so poorly that she couldn't get food when they were high
read: pot is more important than food (she understands!)
so as a result, they always starved the munchies away, and eventually the idea of smoking wasn't connected to the idea of eating, being high was just nice and it didnt have to include stuffing your face. she changed my life with this realization.
i began to fast as long as i could when high. and it was tough at first - remember this was 6 years ago or more now - sometimes i'd want to go eat a dozen donuts.. but over time, and this was probably a 6 month transition of dedication and resistance of basist human instinct... it paid off. now when i get high, i am energetic, my appetite disappears, and i can focus on what i'm doing..
so, to recap because you know me.. always a jabber mouth:
- no food to allow cheating.
- no interest in going anywhere to purchase more food (the midnight binge run)
- no interest in eating anything for the next 2 weeks starting 8am this morning
- no forseeable uncomfortable opportunities where i'd be forced to eat (dinner out)
- no possible fucking chance this will fail
they say yes is better than no, but for me, the lines need to be clear, and no does just fine. i'll keep you posted, my avid readers.. i know what i'm doing
this is the beginning.. and it's the fun time.
join me, and play at home if you have the stomach. get it? fat.
there is no more food.
the freezer is bare. nothing but some ice cube trays, no lie.
the fridge has a few condiments i'd never eat, some 1% milk (an acceptable exception to dietary rules - milk is ALWAYS good for you, period) and some leafy greens for my pet.. thats about it.. oh yeh, and PLENTY of Crystal lite
editor's note: i wish you could hear the track playing right now on raidchan radio (http://www.raidchan.org/radio/listen.m3u) it's fast paced and echos a sense of righteousness.. "Air - Don't Be Light" if you want to download the home game..
so fridge is empty, freezer is empty.. cabinets are bare except for some coffee accessories and 6 large cans of tuna fish - this is for much later..
all cabinets are bare. no food is situated near my grasp (this is a killer being a pothead, you're apt to grab delicious snacks you lazily left near your easy chair the night before) but not this time. there is nothing.
nothing. it's a strange concept. not for me, for i have a plan. . .
day 1: accomplished. had no coffee today because it's not the same without real sugar. i smoked a lot of cigarettes. i smoked during work which really helped with the appetite supression (seriously - if you smoke pot heavily, it's completely possible - and i encourage you to do it - to eliminate the need for munchies when you're high). this factoid is not a lie, it was shown to me by my much saner, wittier sister who told me that in college, she was living so poorly that she couldn't get food when they were high
read: pot is more important than food (she understands!)
so as a result, they always starved the munchies away, and eventually the idea of smoking wasn't connected to the idea of eating, being high was just nice and it didnt have to include stuffing your face. she changed my life with this realization.
i began to fast as long as i could when high. and it was tough at first - remember this was 6 years ago or more now - sometimes i'd want to go eat a dozen donuts.. but over time, and this was probably a 6 month transition of dedication and resistance of basist human instinct... it paid off. now when i get high, i am energetic, my appetite disappears, and i can focus on what i'm doing..
so, to recap because you know me.. always a jabber mouth:
- no food to allow cheating.
- no interest in going anywhere to purchase more food (the midnight binge run)
- no interest in eating anything for the next 2 weeks starting 8am this morning
- no forseeable uncomfortable opportunities where i'd be forced to eat (dinner out)
- no possible fucking chance this will fail
they say yes is better than no, but for me, the lines need to be clear, and no does just fine. i'll keep you posted, my avid readers.. i know what i'm doing
this is the beginning.. and it's the fun time.
join me, and play at home if you have the stomach. get it? fat.
Monday, June 16, 2008
day 1: semi victory (like copping a feel at the school dance in 8th grade)
things i hate about myself and would like to change: my ability to reason things away or unreason them back into existence. i said today was going to be the start of the fast, but i stupidly just ate the last 5 of my mom's homemade ginger snaps because they're so soft and i really like ginger.. i didnt have any coffee today, or munchies from the the fancy kitchen at the high-roller client i visited today.. said no, today's day # 1, i can't cheat on day # 1! but alas, i chose to work the remainder of the day at home after lunch (as i literally felt like walking horse doodoo from eating junk food) and what did i do to help the situation? ate more sugar.
it's more potent than any other drug i've ever had. i call it a drug because sugar creates a euphoria for me that is indescribable.. like a finely tuned and aged Stratovarius, it instantly tastes delicious, those little sugar receptors go off and man i'd swear i was getting a BJ.. then quickly, it's gone, and i reach for another cookie..
you'd think by the way i type that i must be 300, or 400, maybe 450lbs. nope, i'm well under 200lbs. i'm roughly 5'10, i have a nice build and am a good looking kid. i compulsively eat and then neurotically starve. but for some reason, this time the lines are not following their predefined strict paths. it's as if medication were interfering.. more likely, i believe, is that each time i go back to eating sugar, i become more addicted to it.. when i go cold turkey, i'm good.. i feel awesome, i have energy, i am not hungry, i lose weight.. but even 1 fucking fruit snack and that day is SHOT.
so, i say a semi victory because i ate the cookies, but at the same time i lasted a long time. you laugh at me saying "eww you fag you go 3 - 4 weeks with nothing, and you can't even make it past day 1." that's the fail.. but my reasoning is simple, humbled, and honest: i can not truly fast if i consciously know there is food around. i've managed to streamline everything and remain only with 1 bowl of noodle soup, which i will consume tonight in preparation of real day # 1: the sequel
who the fuck cares? it's my god damn system, if you don't like it, develop your own system.. i'm only human, i like my mom's cookies. i dont see her often and i wanted to eat them instead of freezing them and cracking my teeth open 3 months from now when i'm slim, shouldn't be eating them anyhow, and forced to throw them out from the vicious freezer burn......
i ate the cookies, i accept the punishment. we do it again.
and thats the lesson i offer in today's rant: you can fuck up. and you are allowed to feel bad about it for as long as it would take a normal person to go through the thought pattern i displayed.
for recap, here are the steps the "average" person would follow, mentally, while contemplating their previous action of eating cookies after swearing to yourself (and possibly others, though that may change for you seeing as i'm the only lunatic i know ballsy enough to write a blog about it). And they are:
1. realization that you have eaten said object (in my case, ginger snaps)
you think, "hey. i ate (insert real number of cookies here) 5 ginger snaps earlier. it's no big deal." and justly so...
2. repercussions alarm smacks thought to different section of brain
now you begin to think: "wait a second.. wait what have i done? is this..? waaaait a second" but by then, it's too late. because soon to follow is..
3. conscience catches wind of the "incident" (to quote tv making fun of the government agencies supressing conspiracy secrets with hidden agendas)
your conscience has just heard the news that you fucking ate the cookies. YOU FUCKING ATE THEM. he's yelling full blast at you, and it won't fucking stop.
it wont stop because you ate the god damn cookies, you follow? there's no purging in my repetoire (though believe me, i've considered shortening my nails at one point, as i'm sure we all have at our heaviest times) so having no purging available, my options are compulsively eat, and then fast. I FUCKED UP THE SOLUTION. you see?
4. thought pattern turns a bit more analytical and a WHOLE lot less forgiving
now your mind is defending itself from itself, conscience battering your self esteem like an impatient drunk stepfather with a terrett's child... in my case, since i harbor a squirrelcage in my skull, the thoughts are flying a mile a minute. back and forth. the devil on my shoulder, further represented by a milk shake, (oddly a lot like master shake.. ) ok scratch that..
so master shake is on my left shoulder, and my right shoulder is a little picture frame with arms and legs and a little googly eye glued-on face like some useless offspring would create at summer camp for mommy.. and in that frame is a photograph of me, at my lightest and fondest memory. it's master shake versus mini-me, if you follow
so master shake opens with a 1 liner, "you fat fucker you fatty fat fat fat useless fucking asshole, can't keep the food out of your mouth for 24 hours! you have lost your touch." but the frame could come back, wittingly, and say "oh, my friend, it's quite alright.. it's only 1 day, and you got pleeeenty more days to wish you still had those cookies left!" a sigh of relief almost..
5. acceptance
i accept that i ate the cookies, master shake.. but you need to shut the fuck up now because i'm tired of feeling bad about this. you had your fucking say, you made me feel like dirt, but now it's time for to get to stepping, and i hope i never hear from you again. the picture frame dissolves to that neat sound effect from 'out of this world' whenever evie would freeze time.. and i'd come back to a semi-conscious state
6. resolution
so your mind has finally come to the exhaustion point. you're tired of feeling bad, yet you feel too bad to do anything about it. some random thoughts associated with the resolution step: cold-feet about going back into a new fast, hatred for being weak, embarrassment for letting others down, self-hate, self-disappointment.. the list goes on and on. but the resolution stage is what is making me a better person all around.
the key to the resolution step is this... you must realize that your behavior (in this case eating a cookie) is what evolution INTENDED you to do.. we're made to want to eat when there's food because ten thousand, or 2 thousand, or even 200 years ago, there wasn't always a lot of food around.. it gives light to why so many people find it easy to eat continuously simply because food is abundant.. my mom always told me.. eat when you're hungry, not when you're bored.. and learn to distinguish the difference. smart lady, that one..
so, you've realized that evolution has made us this way, and that fasting / dieting is a personal choice. that said, so fucking what if you slipped and acted normal for 1 day, its just time to try again tomorrow with no negative emotions towards yourself, or the original plan. not to be cliche with the cowboy analogies, but you fall off the horse, you get back on.. you dont whine about it and purchase a wheelchair so you'll never have the opportunity to ride the horse again (thats how i picture getting fat)
get back on the horse. do it again. do it until you get it right. one thing about me that i cherish and really wish i could put on a resume somehow, you don't often have to tell me or show me how to do something more than once. i learn quickly and retain a large percentage of what i read. that ability skyrockets when i'm stoned, though my reading speed slows considerably. i can sustain better attention though so it's worth the slower speed - as opposed to having to read it twice at full speed.
so i learn quickly, and that i value because now i will remember how crappy this thought process feels.. it sucks to have to go through this whenever i eat anything, but maintaining a healthy figure is very important to me. it helps make me. and thus, the final stage of the whole thing.
7. reset
and like that, it's over, and the whole emotion seeps out of your facial pores, oozes from your ears and escapes through the keystrokes. you've allowed yourself ample time to feel miserable, but now it's time to get the fuck over it and move on.
time to get back on the whores. tomorrow AM bright and early, to eat nothing. whores always sounded funnier to get off of instead of horses.. they both kinda smell the same and really offer the same deep intellectual conversation i look for in a partner..
happy june 16th, by the way.. for those of you who don't know, today is not a national, regional, local, religious, or any other holiday i can think of.. enjoy the festivities!
it's more potent than any other drug i've ever had. i call it a drug because sugar creates a euphoria for me that is indescribable.. like a finely tuned and aged Stratovarius, it instantly tastes delicious, those little sugar receptors go off and man i'd swear i was getting a BJ.. then quickly, it's gone, and i reach for another cookie..
you'd think by the way i type that i must be 300, or 400, maybe 450lbs. nope, i'm well under 200lbs. i'm roughly 5'10, i have a nice build and am a good looking kid. i compulsively eat and then neurotically starve. but for some reason, this time the lines are not following their predefined strict paths. it's as if medication were interfering.. more likely, i believe, is that each time i go back to eating sugar, i become more addicted to it.. when i go cold turkey, i'm good.. i feel awesome, i have energy, i am not hungry, i lose weight.. but even 1 fucking fruit snack and that day is SHOT.
so, i say a semi victory because i ate the cookies, but at the same time i lasted a long time. you laugh at me saying "eww you fag you go 3 - 4 weeks with nothing, and you can't even make it past day 1." that's the fail.. but my reasoning is simple, humbled, and honest: i can not truly fast if i consciously know there is food around. i've managed to streamline everything and remain only with 1 bowl of noodle soup, which i will consume tonight in preparation of real day # 1: the sequel
who the fuck cares? it's my god damn system, if you don't like it, develop your own system.. i'm only human, i like my mom's cookies. i dont see her often and i wanted to eat them instead of freezing them and cracking my teeth open 3 months from now when i'm slim, shouldn't be eating them anyhow, and forced to throw them out from the vicious freezer burn...
i ate the cookies, i accept the punishment. we do it again.
and thats the lesson i offer in today's rant: you can fuck up. and you are allowed to feel bad about it for as long as it would take a normal person to go through the thought pattern i displayed.
for recap, here are the steps the "average" person would follow, mentally, while contemplating their previous action of eating cookies after swearing to yourself (and possibly others, though that may change for you seeing as i'm the only lunatic i know ballsy enough to write a blog about it). And they are:
1. realization that you have eaten said object (in my case, ginger snaps)
you think, "hey. i ate (insert real number of cookies here) 5 ginger snaps earlier. it's no big deal." and justly so...
2. repercussions alarm smacks thought to different section of brain
now you begin to think: "wait a second.. wait what have i done? is this..? waaaait a second" but by then, it's too late. because soon to follow is..
3. conscience catches wind of the "incident" (to quote tv making fun of the government agencies supressing conspiracy secrets with hidden agendas)
your conscience has just heard the news that you fucking ate the cookies. YOU FUCKING ATE THEM. he's yelling full blast at you, and it won't fucking stop.
it wont stop because you ate the god damn cookies, you follow? there's no purging in my repetoire (though believe me, i've considered shortening my nails at one point, as i'm sure we all have at our heaviest times) so having no purging available, my options are compulsively eat, and then fast. I FUCKED UP THE SOLUTION. you see?
4. thought pattern turns a bit more analytical and a WHOLE lot less forgiving
now your mind is defending itself from itself, conscience battering your self esteem like an impatient drunk stepfather with a terrett's child... in my case, since i harbor a squirrelcage in my skull, the thoughts are flying a mile a minute. back and forth. the devil on my shoulder, further represented by a milk shake, (oddly a lot like master shake.. ) ok scratch that..
so master shake is on my left shoulder, and my right shoulder is a little picture frame with arms and legs and a little googly eye glued-on face like some useless offspring would create at summer camp for mommy.. and in that frame is a photograph of me, at my lightest and fondest memory. it's master shake versus mini-me, if you follow
so master shake opens with a 1 liner, "you fat fucker you fatty fat fat fat useless fucking asshole, can't keep the food out of your mouth for 24 hours! you have lost your touch." but the frame could come back, wittingly, and say "oh, my friend, it's quite alright.. it's only 1 day, and you got pleeeenty more days to wish you still had those cookies left!" a sigh of relief almost..
5. acceptance
i accept that i ate the cookies, master shake.. but you need to shut the fuck up now because i'm tired of feeling bad about this. you had your fucking say, you made me feel like dirt, but now it's time for to get to stepping, and i hope i never hear from you again. the picture frame dissolves to that neat sound effect from 'out of this world' whenever evie would freeze time.. and i'd come back to a semi-conscious state
6. resolution
so your mind has finally come to the exhaustion point. you're tired of feeling bad, yet you feel too bad to do anything about it. some random thoughts associated with the resolution step: cold-feet about going back into a new fast, hatred for being weak, embarrassment for letting others down, self-hate, self-disappointment.. the list goes on and on. but the resolution stage is what is making me a better person all around.
the key to the resolution step is this... you must realize that your behavior (in this case eating a cookie) is what evolution INTENDED you to do.. we're made to want to eat when there's food because ten thousand, or 2 thousand, or even 200 years ago, there wasn't always a lot of food around.. it gives light to why so many people find it easy to eat continuously simply because food is abundant.. my mom always told me.. eat when you're hungry, not when you're bored.. and learn to distinguish the difference. smart lady, that one..
so, you've realized that evolution has made us this way, and that fasting / dieting is a personal choice. that said, so fucking what if you slipped and acted normal for 1 day, its just time to try again tomorrow with no negative emotions towards yourself, or the original plan. not to be cliche with the cowboy analogies, but you fall off the horse, you get back on.. you dont whine about it and purchase a wheelchair so you'll never have the opportunity to ride the horse again (thats how i picture getting fat)
get back on the horse. do it again. do it until you get it right. one thing about me that i cherish and really wish i could put on a resume somehow, you don't often have to tell me or show me how to do something more than once. i learn quickly and retain a large percentage of what i read. that ability skyrockets when i'm stoned, though my reading speed slows considerably. i can sustain better attention though so it's worth the slower speed - as opposed to having to read it twice at full speed.
so i learn quickly, and that i value because now i will remember how crappy this thought process feels.. it sucks to have to go through this whenever i eat anything, but maintaining a healthy figure is very important to me. it helps make me. and thus, the final stage of the whole thing.
7. reset
and like that, it's over, and the whole emotion seeps out of your facial pores, oozes from your ears and escapes through the keystrokes. you've allowed yourself ample time to feel miserable, but now it's time to get the fuck over it and move on.
time to get back on the whores. tomorrow AM bright and early, to eat nothing. whores always sounded funnier to get off of instead of horses.. they both kinda smell the same and really offer the same deep intellectual conversation i look for in a partner..
happy june 16th, by the way.. for those of you who don't know, today is not a national, regional, local, religious, or any other holiday i can think of.. enjoy the festivities!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
admitting defeat.
defeat are connected to deankles, but it smells just the same. i post talkin all high and mighty about resisting the cravings, and what do i do at 3am? drive to donut store, but 1 dozen donuts and large cup of decaf w/ cream & sugar. come back home, eat 6 donuts, 1/2 cup of coffee, go to bed. wake up, chill for a while then eat 4 1/2 more donuts because i can't throw them out now, and i'll bet you $600 that the other 2 will be eaten in a matter of minutes - hungry or not. this is the evil fucking monkey that lives in my closet, to quote a one famous cynical family-themed cartoon. it's out of my control now
but, i knew i was going for italian later today so at least i don't feel completely worthless.. sometimes the urge comes over me and i can't stop.. i pace around the apartment praying i don't have to go to the donut store but wh00ps.. there i am. what the fuck is wrong with me? stupid stupid stupid.. and the worst part is the guilt. you'd think i could just laugh it off and go about life but this will burn deep in my shame gland for weeks to come, no lie. i can pretty much remember all the junk i've binged on before a fast, for the last dozen or so fasts i've done.. it's like the meal after your first kill (get the seth mcfarlane theme going here?)
here's the thing. i have a 10 minute deadline to get up and start cleaning my home, and all i can do is think how stupid i am for eating the god damn donuts. welcome to my weird world of identity crisis + bizarro rationale.
tomorrow's going to be different, you just wait.. (.. and i mean it this time)*
* amount of times this phrase has been echoed since birth: 354,223 times as of June 15th 2008
but, i knew i was going for italian later today so at least i don't feel completely worthless.. sometimes the urge comes over me and i can't stop.. i pace around the apartment praying i don't have to go to the donut store but wh00ps.. there i am. what the fuck is wrong with me? stupid stupid stupid.. and the worst part is the guilt. you'd think i could just laugh it off and go about life but this will burn deep in my shame gland for weeks to come, no lie. i can pretty much remember all the junk i've binged on before a fast, for the last dozen or so fasts i've done.. it's like the meal after your first kill (get the seth mcfarlane theme going here?)
here's the thing. i have a 10 minute deadline to get up and start cleaning my home, and all i can do is think how stupid i am for eating the god damn donuts. welcome to my weird world of identity crisis + bizarro rationale.
tomorrow's going to be different, you just wait.. (.. and i mean it this time)*
* amount of times this phrase has been echoed since birth: 354,223 times as of June 15th 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
fuck.
fuck mother fucking fuck fucking fuckface full of fucking fuck. to the fuckest extent.
thats how hunger makes me feel.
today, i was supposed to get some things done buuut the pot won this round, so i'm stimed up and unproductive. ah well, you win some you lose some. i mean all i have to do is throw trash in a bag and i'll be 50% of the way there. but, i sit on my ass, staring at the screen of my computer, knowing that pot and reading interesting things will always beat chores.. god i need a maid.. or a girlfriend? siiiike
to my number 1 fan, good looks on the suggestion.. not sure how to get ahold of some of that but if it's not some of that non-drowsy dexatrim bullshit, i'd be solid.. as for your question about where i find these drugs.. well i'm prescribed them by a doctor and i see an APRN regularly for monitoring.. i'm not taking them for fun.. it's cuz i dont want to go crazy anymore.. and life's a lot better on a level field.. the vyvanse really is for a.d.d., lexapro for depression and klono for anxiety both caused by side effects of bipolar, which i take seroquel for. ya follow? =P
it's lightninging here. thats a word, by the way. i like the stormy weather, reminds me that if i were outside at this moment i could be zapped.. im just that kind of electric kinda guy.. hope it doesn't ruin my network tho.. fucking electrons and their communist regieme.. wow listen to it rumble.. thuder is kinky.. funny how there are more fire trucks out when it's raining? you figure the rain would help. lazy rain.. weather in general is lazy, always falling all over the place like a slob
sometimes i wish i could lock all the food away in an uncrackable safe that i could never find the combination to.. lock it up so i can't get to it, then i'll be fine.. but if i know the combo, forget it.. i'm like a raccoon with no self-control.. crack that bitch open like a clam in the mud. the shame.
i'm hot. i have only a few food items remaining. some cans of tuna fish, 2 bowls of miso noodle soup from trader joes, some rotting fruit, but a bunch of frozen things.. if anyone is interested in relieving me of this evil food, please by all means, comment. take 3 bags of frozen potatoes (crinkle fries, steak fries, and tater tots, respectively) and win a free bad of frozen steamed corn.. it's a win win.. who doesn't like corn and potatoes? well i know one person.. me. take them all
i don't believe in god but its a really convenient curse word. god damnit. fuck everything.
p.s. scanner ordered, paperless adventure begins Wednesday night. the cleansing project 3.0 begins shortly
thats how hunger makes me feel.
today, i was supposed to get some things done buuut the pot won this round, so i'm stimed up and unproductive. ah well, you win some you lose some. i mean all i have to do is throw trash in a bag and i'll be 50% of the way there. but, i sit on my ass, staring at the screen of my computer, knowing that pot and reading interesting things will always beat chores.. god i need a maid.. or a girlfriend? siiiike
to my number 1 fan, good looks on the suggestion.. not sure how to get ahold of some of that but if it's not some of that non-drowsy dexatrim bullshit, i'd be solid.. as for your question about where i find these drugs.. well i'm prescribed them by a doctor and i see an APRN regularly for monitoring.. i'm not taking them for fun.. it's cuz i dont want to go crazy anymore.. and life's a lot better on a level field.. the vyvanse really is for a.d.d., lexapro for depression and klono for anxiety both caused by side effects of bipolar, which i take seroquel for. ya follow? =P
it's lightninging here. thats a word, by the way. i like the stormy weather, reminds me that if i were outside at this moment i could be zapped.. im just that kind of electric kinda guy.. hope it doesn't ruin my network tho.. fucking electrons and their communist regieme.. wow listen to it rumble.. thuder is kinky.. funny how there are more fire trucks out when it's raining? you figure the rain would help. lazy rain.. weather in general is lazy, always falling all over the place like a slob
sometimes i wish i could lock all the food away in an uncrackable safe that i could never find the combination to.. lock it up so i can't get to it, then i'll be fine.. but if i know the combo, forget it.. i'm like a raccoon with no self-control.. crack that bitch open like a clam in the mud. the shame.
i'm hot. i have only a few food items remaining. some cans of tuna fish, 2 bowls of miso noodle soup from trader joes, some rotting fruit, but a bunch of frozen things.. if anyone is interested in relieving me of this evil food, please by all means, comment. take 3 bags of frozen potatoes (crinkle fries, steak fries, and tater tots, respectively) and win a free bad of frozen steamed corn.. it's a win win.. who doesn't like corn and potatoes? well i know one person.. me. take them all
i don't believe in god but its a really convenient curse word. god damnit. fuck everything.
p.s. scanner ordered, paperless adventure begins Wednesday night. the cleansing project 3.0 begins shortly
I Pop 2 Stims & I Smoke a Fat Blunt
time was 8:00am this morning. the cool sounds of Motorola Q alarm clock polyphonic mp3 sound choice "Free" reminding me that it was time to roll over and take 100mg of Vyvanse for an adventurous hopefully productive saturday june 14th.. after all, tomorrow's father's day and i'm going to a fancy italian restaurant tomorrow with mom and pop dukes.. the sister is coming too which is dope.. but the issue still lurks in the back like the 4,000 ton gorilla sitting in the room (more like caving in the left side of the house). that gorilla, you ask? what to do about the food.
being anorexic isn't a lifestyle choice. it's not chic, and i swear to fucking whatever that if they made a pill to stop the conscience from running my life and telling me what a worthless piece of shit fat people are (vis a vie: me if i'm fat) then i might stop posting to blogs about my problems. i'm not a psychologist.. i don't have any degrees in brainology but i've read a very large amount on nutrition and dietary trends.. as well, i've studied the countless bullshit diets that make people "lose 40 pounds in 40 days!"
it's all horseshit. fucking nonsense. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS: thin people are looked at more favorably in this late 2000's American society that i live in. i have seen this countless times from the first memory i have of being called the fat kid to this very minute i type. and do not get it twisted, i still remember everything in that scene - that first fat joke - which burned into my young naive psyche like a cattleprod on virgin cow ass.
regardless, it's still there. i smoke a lot of cigarettes to curb the hunger and found them to be the best daily regiment until i finally get through the rest of the food in my house (which is very little now). then i can finally begin a real fast. the fucking crazy meds do a number on one's ability to naturally fight off hunger. allow me to digress..
each morning, after the shower, i take 40mg of lexapro, .5mg of clonazepam (klonopin generic), 50mg of vyvanse, and i chase it all down with a one-a-day weightsmart advanced vitamin. that keeps me hunger free and focused for the whole day - without coffee, i've found - and by the time i get home around latest 6pm, it's on it's way out of my system for it's 8pm 12-hour time release deadline.
so to recap, i get home at 6pm, still wired a bit so i smoke some chronic.. i get good and high (since i've stopped smoking during the day, the nighttime blaze is terrrrrrrific) and still am ok enough to fight the hunger off even though the thoughts are occurring more and more often.
finally by 9pm, it's the deadline to take my final insanity pill - 200mg of seroquel. this is the best sleeping / mood stabilizer / anti-depressant combination i've ever found, but it has a nasty side effect of increasing appetite. so i'm still high at 9pm - since i haven't stopped smoking since 6pm and won't stop until i pass out at around 11 - and doing ok. still fighting the urges.
9:28pm hits. it's like a shotgun blast to my skull, it hits me like no other.. the irresistable urge to eat. and to eat fast. and a lot. it's like this medication turns on OCD compulsive eating. it's basically the most difficult test of willpower i have EVER gone through. this makes quitting pot smoking look like a walk in the park. (editor's note: i quit several years ago when trying to find my job; turns out the awesome employers don't drug test and i currently have my dream job still).
so, 9:28pm and the hunger is explosive. i resist the urge to get up to search the kitchen... for about 2 minutes. its as if someone is pulling me by the nostrils out of my comfy chair on a scavenger hunt to quiet the demons in my stomach. and this is a dangerous time. as i said, it's all about compulsive eating - there's no patience to cook anything. so i'm grabbing any fucking thing i see laying out. sometimes, when there's no food i've even gone out on a manic shopping frenzy where i come back with $150 worth of junk and nonsense. embarrassing and angering at the same time.
but, it's been weeks since i've gone shopping, and i compensate for this when i do plan a shopping trip ahead of time by getting lots of fruit. canned, fresh, juice, you name it, all fruit no candy. this is fructose so it's still evil sugar but i feel at least the vitamins/minerals i've receiving are helping more than a snickers bar would, or eating 3 boxes of smore's pop-tarts at one sitting. (this is not uncommon).
so, no eating from wake up to 9:28pm, and then i eat an entire day's worth of junk food or fruit, depending on the level of OCD versus my inherent laziness about getting out of my chair to go shopping. this war is full of tough battles, and a learned man knows he knows nothing at all.
i need to find something. a very powerful appetite supressant which does NOT contain stimulents (as we've already covered the pot+seroquel combo already counteracted one amphetamine (vyvanse) so adding a 2nd would be stupid) and which will stop the overpowering, will-shattering, self-esteem-destroying, unbarable hunger cravings i get at 9:28pm. it's just got to last 2 hours max because by then the medication has kicked in and i literally can't keep my eyes open, but those 2 hours before sleep and after pill are just plain dangerous.
readers, if you know of such an appetite suppressent, i will pay you or your company handsomely. please make this easier on me.. it's either remain at this weight (which is NOT where i want to be) or go crazy again (which is also where i do NOT want to be). the decisions we face as the crazy.. it's tough i'm telling you.
over and out kids. i'll leave you with a haiku:
do not eat that cake
let someone else gain the weight
they will laugh at him
being anorexic isn't a lifestyle choice. it's not chic, and i swear to fucking whatever that if they made a pill to stop the conscience from running my life and telling me what a worthless piece of shit fat people are (vis a vie: me if i'm fat) then i might stop posting to blogs about my problems. i'm not a psychologist.. i don't have any degrees in brainology but i've read a very large amount on nutrition and dietary trends.. as well, i've studied the countless bullshit diets that make people "lose 40 pounds in 40 days!"
it's all horseshit. fucking nonsense. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS: thin people are looked at more favorably in this late 2000's American society that i live in. i have seen this countless times from the first memory i have of being called the fat kid to this very minute i type. and do not get it twisted, i still remember everything in that scene - that first fat joke - which burned into my young naive psyche like a cattleprod on virgin cow ass.
regardless, it's still there. i smoke a lot of cigarettes to curb the hunger and found them to be the best daily regiment until i finally get through the rest of the food in my house (which is very little now). then i can finally begin a real fast. the fucking crazy meds do a number on one's ability to naturally fight off hunger. allow me to digress..
each morning, after the shower, i take 40mg of lexapro, .5mg of clonazepam (klonopin generic), 50mg of vyvanse, and i chase it all down with a one-a-day weightsmart advanced vitamin. that keeps me hunger free and focused for the whole day - without coffee, i've found - and by the time i get home around latest 6pm, it's on it's way out of my system for it's 8pm 12-hour time release deadline.
so to recap, i get home at 6pm, still wired a bit so i smoke some chronic.. i get good and high (since i've stopped smoking during the day, the nighttime blaze is terrrrrrrific) and still am ok enough to fight the hunger off even though the thoughts are occurring more and more often.
finally by 9pm, it's the deadline to take my final insanity pill - 200mg of seroquel. this is the best sleeping / mood stabilizer / anti-depressant combination i've ever found, but it has a nasty side effect of increasing appetite. so i'm still high at 9pm - since i haven't stopped smoking since 6pm and won't stop until i pass out at around 11 - and doing ok. still fighting the urges.
9:28pm hits. it's like a shotgun blast to my skull, it hits me like no other.. the irresistable urge to eat. and to eat fast. and a lot. it's like this medication turns on OCD compulsive eating. it's basically the most difficult test of willpower i have EVER gone through. this makes quitting pot smoking look like a walk in the park. (editor's note: i quit several years ago when trying to find my job; turns out the awesome employers don't drug test and i currently have my dream job still).
so, 9:28pm and the hunger is explosive. i resist the urge to get up to search the kitchen... for about 2 minutes. its as if someone is pulling me by the nostrils out of my comfy chair on a scavenger hunt to quiet the demons in my stomach. and this is a dangerous time. as i said, it's all about compulsive eating - there's no patience to cook anything. so i'm grabbing any fucking thing i see laying out. sometimes, when there's no food i've even gone out on a manic shopping frenzy where i come back with $150 worth of junk and nonsense. embarrassing and angering at the same time.
but, it's been weeks since i've gone shopping, and i compensate for this when i do plan a shopping trip ahead of time by getting lots of fruit. canned, fresh, juice, you name it, all fruit no candy. this is fructose so it's still evil sugar but i feel at least the vitamins/minerals i've receiving are helping more than a snickers bar would, or eating 3 boxes of smore's pop-tarts at one sitting. (this is not uncommon).
so, no eating from wake up to 9:28pm, and then i eat an entire day's worth of junk food or fruit, depending on the level of OCD versus my inherent laziness about getting out of my chair to go shopping. this war is full of tough battles, and a learned man knows he knows nothing at all.
i need to find something. a very powerful appetite supressant which does NOT contain stimulents (as we've already covered the pot+seroquel combo already counteracted one amphetamine (vyvanse) so adding a 2nd would be stupid) and which will stop the overpowering, will-shattering, self-esteem-destroying, unbarable hunger cravings i get at 9:28pm. it's just got to last 2 hours max because by then the medication has kicked in and i literally can't keep my eyes open, but those 2 hours before sleep and after pill are just plain dangerous.
readers, if you know of such an appetite suppressent, i will pay you or your company handsomely. please make this easier on me.. it's either remain at this weight (which is NOT where i want to be) or go crazy again (which is also where i do NOT want to be). the decisions we face as the crazy.. it's tough i'm telling you.
over and out kids. i'll leave you with a haiku:
do not eat that cake
let someone else gain the weight
they will laugh at him
Friday, June 13, 2008
I'm still alive.. and happy =]
What's up kids? It's been quite a while since I've posted to this thing, I admit. And to the sweet female (I assume) who messaged me saying she checks everyday to see if I've posted - I've come out of retirement with your encouragement! Thanks =]
So, first a few things are in order. 1, the truth. I have gained 10 lbs since last posting. A busy work life and a compulsive eating habit makes for shabby diets. However, the vyvanse is in full effect and I'm on day 2 of a fast. I didn't start it on an official day, I just said fuck it I'm done. The problem, and the killer, is that I still have a few food things around that will tempt me to cheat. But alas, my will is strong.
The plus side is I don't look like I've gained any. In fact, my chest looks thicker and I appear to fill out the jean asses better but fuck that. I want my slim tight breaker body back.. those slim tight tshirts and running without a shirt knowing I look right.
So, it's going to take some effort. I bet by mid July I'll be down 20 lbs so that'll put me back within good standing.
Some news: my sister got a dope place in Manhattan (away from her dick boyfriend) and I got a promotion + raise. Also bought myself a new whip - a smoked out gray 2005 VW Jetta GLI 1.8T.. dope ass ride, had it since about March. I now can smoke the finest cheeba all the time.. I'm smoking out of my ounce of fresh Kush right now, definitely good.
I'll wrap up the update with some motivational words to those kids looking for a good time to develop an eating disorder. Food is evil, the manufacturers make it that way so you'll spend money at the convenience store.. replace your snickers with a bowl of cherries with the pit in.. takes just as much mouth energy to chew the fruit around the pit, plus they're really sweet if you leave them out a couple days first.
I know, it's food but it's just an intermediary until you fatties can stop eating candy bars. Anorexia Team Hunger Force: unite!
So, first a few things are in order. 1, the truth. I have gained 10 lbs since last posting. A busy work life and a compulsive eating habit makes for shabby diets. However, the vyvanse is in full effect and I'm on day 2 of a fast. I didn't start it on an official day, I just said fuck it I'm done. The problem, and the killer, is that I still have a few food things around that will tempt me to cheat. But alas, my will is strong.
The plus side is I don't look like I've gained any. In fact, my chest looks thicker and I appear to fill out the jean asses better but fuck that. I want my slim tight breaker body back.. those slim tight tshirts and running without a shirt knowing I look right.
So, it's going to take some effort. I bet by mid July I'll be down 20 lbs so that'll put me back within good standing.
Some news: my sister got a dope place in Manhattan (away from her dick boyfriend) and I got a promotion + raise. Also bought myself a new whip - a smoked out gray 2005 VW Jetta GLI 1.8T.. dope ass ride, had it since about March. I now can smoke the finest cheeba all the time.. I'm smoking out of my ounce of fresh Kush right now, definitely good.
I'll wrap up the update with some motivational words to those kids looking for a good time to develop an eating disorder. Food is evil, the manufacturers make it that way so you'll spend money at the convenience store.. replace your snickers with a bowl of cherries with the pit in.. takes just as much mouth energy to chew the fruit around the pit, plus they're really sweet if you leave them out a couple days first.
I know, it's food but it's just an intermediary until you fatties can stop eating candy bars. Anorexia Team Hunger Force: unite!
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