thats right kids. day 3 well underway. haven't cheated even ONCE! no sugar, no munchies, no carbo-dealies.. today was a good day.
the key is to keep busy. like i said, the 3rd day is the hardest so i'm over the hump, now it's all smooth sailin' from here. keep it gangster! more to report soon.
p.s. know thyself
Monday, February 23, 2009
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10 comments:
fucking, cheese was on sale here. so, i ate alot of that. hell yeah nigga. i love fucking cheese.
do you have a target period or is passing out / death the outcome of what you intend your wiollpower to do fo r you
Lol,
Just read your last entry , quite funny and actually informative.
wow you suck so bad!!!! i meet u months ago and you were nothing that u said u were. you r a fat asshole and i love that u are still keepin up with these posts!!!!!
I just went and read through all of your posts, beginning with 2007 up until now. I do not quite have an eating disorder, per se, but you could say I suffer from 'disordered eating'. Today I ate nothing until I got home from school, (I was sent home early because I couldn't stop throwing up. I was hoping that my body would continue to expel everything from my stomach after I started eating. But alas, that was not the case.) and then I ate. And ate. 4 bags of lunch-sized chips (160 calories each), 4 or 5 granola bars (180 calories each), an apple, and a piece of bread. And now I feel heavier than ever.
I'm 5'3" or 5'4" and my weight fluctuates between 103 and 108 pounds. I lie about my weight a lot. I know a girl who is roughly my same height but weighs 90 pounds. If I can only beat her, I will feel okay. If I can be 88 pounds, then I don't need to starve anymore.
But I can't starve, because I'm a hideous gluttonous pig. I have fat on my stomach, I have fat on my back on my thighs and my butt. My boobs are DD's. That is much too big and I want them to shrink again. But I have no self control and I don't know what to do.
And it's not like I could be stopped from starving myself. It's normal to my mom that I don't eat breakfast and I don't eat lunch, and I can take my dinners into my bedroom and not eat them and throw them away when she's not paying attention.
So why can't I starve myself? Food is so tempting. I'm not on any medications. I'm in highschool--I don't have the money to buy myself weight loss pills or weightloss vitamins or whatever. My boyfriend smokes a lot of weed, deals it sort of, so I can score from him whenever I want. But I haven't mastered smoking weed and not being hungry. I don't have money for cigarettes regularly. I don't like coffee much but I do like tea.
And I prefer water over sugar-free drinks. It's like I'm purifying myself.
Except not, because the water here is filled with lead and traces of discarded medications. Maybe that's what makes me so crazy?
I don't even know why I bothered writing this. I'm 15 years old and I know nothing about anything. Maybe I should give up on this dream of being thin and beautiful.
Maybe I still have time. I can't tell how old you are, but you're certainly older than I. How long did it take you to master the art of starvation?
I don't know.
Keep the posts up. I found this today but I'd like to continue reading.
edit: Just noticed it says your 27.
I feel kind of dumb not :/
p.s.
sorry for writing about myself so much
I'm really narcissistic.
Note: After I re-read this, I think you can just totally ignore the first two paragraphs. Not counting this one... It will make the reading a LITTLE BIT shorter.
I did a little bit of research on caffeine and supposedly it can trigger hypoglycemia. On another site some of the "quick-fix foods" are a tablespoon of sugar or honey, 1/2 cup of any fruit juice, or 1/2 cup of any regular soft drink. I'm probably wrong (wouldn't be the first time, and certainly not the last), but I think since it depends on glucose (the fattening shit like bread, rice, and potatoes) it probably wouldn't be too bad of a thing. But what is bad is caffeine can also increase belly fat because of elevated cortisol levels. Whatever the hell that means.
Oh, and taking pills without eating anything can be pretty nasty. I've gotten sick on many occasions from doing it (or not doing it). But then again you've been doing this for years so, whatever.
Now on to my question: How do you hide the fact that you're not eating around other people? I'm a vegan so I don't have to worry about people dragging me off somewhere to eat, but I do live with my parents and they're the breakfast-lunch-and-dinner-are-at-these-times type. Not to mention they disagree with skipping breakfast, which they never fail to mention. Now that it's Summer I can easily blend breakfast and lunch into brunch and either toss it or say I ate but without even making anything. But if I'm up a few hours before lunch then I'll be expected to make something around the time they do and eat it in the living room. Dinner and snacks are far trickier, though. We used to eat popcorn almost every night so now I can't just say, "I'm not hungry," or, "I'll save it for later," or maybe, "Eh, I'm just not in the mood," every time the offer is up. I would definitely toss it, given the chance that is, but most likely we're planning to watch something so I can't hide it or anything. Any suggestions on... how to handle any of this?
P.S. I'm kind of an atheist too so I can say with complete honesty that I've taken your blog so seriously that it's like my fucking bible I keep inside the desk by my bed.
Hey! it's been a couple of years since I've revisited your blog... How are things?
Anyways, I realized that fasting is a mind fuck... basically what's been working is an extremely tight calorie counting system. It's my little OCD thing. I have to know the calories I'm eating in each food or I'm not eating it. I've gone from 1000+ calories a day to <1000 to 800 to 700 to 500 and now my goal is 400.
I haven't caught up on my reading on your progress... I surely will though. Keep in touch! You really are a real live inspiration or virtual companion in my struggles. thanks
I dropped 11 pounds this way (from 114lbs).
On top of that, I skimmed through my old entries and it's a fucking trip that I was 120 pounds. HAH disgusting, right?
My BFFF (Best Fucking Friend Forever) and I are starting this September 25, 2009, and ending it November 13, 2009. It’s a huge deal, we are getting loads of peeps to do it with us because people = support = success! We really want this to be a success, so now everyone is working on meal plans and details. (after all we have until September) Anywoo, here’s the link to sign up/get info if you’re interested …
http://joandlosjourneytoskinny.blogspot.com/2009/08/abc-diet-september-25-2009-november-13.html#comments
and here’s our web addy…
joandlosjourneytoskinny.blogspot.com
even if you don’t sign up… still got loads of tips and tricks… as we are all striving for the same goal… to be perfect…
thanks,
jo
Do you live alone? Do you have children? Or pets? Or a spouse?
I ask these things, not because I think you are too messed up and need them, or anything like that... although I probably should. :/
But the real reason I'm asking is because I'm sick of the weight. I can't stop gaining. Ever. I've gained another two pounds this week. Food is like a drug to me and putting it in my mouth, chewing, swallowing is like a high for me.
People say that if you have anorexia or bulimia you'll hate yourself and stress over every pound, all the time. Well hell I already do that, AND I'm fat. So what difference does it make if I'm shedding pounds in addition to it?
I would take your advice, and do what you suggested about dividing food into A, B and C groups. But I have a family, two young children, and a husband who loves things like pasta and rice and potatoes! I can't exactly get rid of all my food.
Plus I'm in charge of feeding my kids, they are quite young. So its not like they can really help themselves. So food is not only always in the house, its always in front of me. It always ends up in my mouth.
I'm also in charge of feeding my pets, which just makes me think of eating too. Its vicious. All I can think about is food.
I'm not into drugs, don't want to be. Crystal Light I own stock in (lol) and I have dieting pills.
I want to start fasting, but I'm afraid I don't have the will power when food is constantly in front of me, even if its not me eating it. Help.
You said by day three its smooth sailing, so I'm going to give it my best shot to make it that far.
Then maybe a week.
Then maybe two.
Then maybe to the store for a smaller pair of jeans perhaps.
Fuck food is right. Now if I can only do it.
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