big-ups to all the monster island masses..

its a big day. saturday february 21st 2009 and the beginning of a new chapter in my book.

chapter 27: celebrating 11 years of destructive obsessive food hatred

i had a birthday last week. i even had a cupcake which was offered to me in celebration. i secretly hated the fact that i had to eat cupcakes at MY birthday. i'd rather have had a bag of H or some crazy new drug nobody's ever heard of. at least then i'd be putting things into my body that serve some kind of a purpose, instead of the sugar poison. poison as i feel it is killing me through emotional, chemical, and compulsory ways with every bite. and so i took action.

step 1: locate all food in the house.
this is vital to make sure you aren't hiding any food anywhere thinking "oh, i won't eat this.. it's safe." homie don't play that. all food must be gathered and organized into sections.

a) shit you'll throw away without a care -- i.e. expired food items, things you thought looked good at the store but has been untouched in your cabinet for months, etc.

b) anything you have that is ok to continue consuming during fast -- i.e. Crystal Lite powdered drink mix (no carbs, no cals, no sugar), diet colas (same drill), items that DO NOT have sugar (bbq sauce has to go, ketchup, too.. soy sauce is ok but the plan here is fasting so anything not drinkably-safe belongs in pile a) or c)...

c) delicious, sugary-devil items you can't bare to just throw out -- i.e. a brand new box of pop tarts you just bought in a weak moment, an unopened can of spaghetti sauce (also full of sugar), or other food that other humans would like to have. anything that hasn't expired or fallen into category b) belongs here.

WARNING: it is CRUCIAL you do not mix items from any categories. it will fuck up the whole thing.

NOTE: put items in category a) directly into the trash, then throw trash bag directly into the dumpster. category items b) go back into the cabinets. however, and this is very important, items in category c) need to be placed in a box, and hidden until a friend/relative/food shelter executive can relieve you of this toxic waste. it's like waiting until nuclear waste day drop-off at the city dump!

step 2: find a victim.. er friend/cohort to take this food
i used a friend of mine who is very poor. he grew up poor and thus is a mooch, and enjoys cooking. i gladly unloaded ALL remaining food in my home onto him a few minutes ago. my home is now completely void of all edible poison and only safe, aspartame-fortified, 0carb/0cal/0sugar items remain, in the cabinet, as previously instructed. he wins, i win. a win:win situation in the world of the poor / anorexic friendship arena.

step 3: assemble constipation-enders, colorful vitamins, cravings supplements, cigarettes, coffee, chronic, and crystal lite - what i like to call "the 7 stones of success" (and alliteration, charming)
each item more important than the last, the 7 stones of success are very helpful for the beginner or veteran anorexic ninja alike.

the first several items make sense: you need to get the remaining food out of your body as quickly as possible, so take a bunch of laxatives and enjoy the ride. that's the hardest stage. you need vitamins all throughout your fast to make sure you don't get sick. don't worry, vitamin B has no calories, neither does riboflavin OR calcium. kickass and carbohydrate-free. i choose a men's one-a-day and i also take a men's one-a-day weight smart advantage which is one formulated specifically for weight loss. (dont worry, if you take too many vitamins, your body expels the excess through urination) and of course, you need a supplement to help with the hunger pains the first couple of days (especially if you've been slacking lately) I like Hoodia - it's not quite approved by the FDA and kinda has me excited just to be taking it. if Reservatol ever becomes available, please email me - i'll pay anything you ask.

PROTIP: if you're fortunate to have an attention disorder (as i so luckily do, hence why I go long gaps between blog posts) and are also fortunate to have a steady prescription for add medication (again, lucky me) the best choices would be adderall, Ritalin, or my preferred brand - vyvanse. take them regularly. stimulants make you not hungry. don't get addicted. cocaine also works. same warning applies. might not sleep much, though.

now, the other items and their exponential assistance in your (and my) journey: cigarettes, coffee, chronic, and crystal lite. be sure to have an AMPLE supply of all items mentioned. don't smoke too much pot if you can't fight the hunger but if you're a veteran stoner like me, munchies stopped happening about the time the first mf doom album hit the streets (circa 2002/2003)

everyone knows a cigarette is a good appetite suppressant (which is why many jews in the holocaust would steal bread and cigarettes (bread to eat, and half a cigarette to make the remaining hunger fade a bit)

coffee (i.e. caffeine) gets the heart beat up, raises the metabolism in essence helping you burn stored fats more quickly, and is also a good appetite suppressant. plus with a little splenda and some steamed milk, it's pretty damn good - by the gallon.

chronic (i.e. weed, pot, marijuana, whatever you kids are calling it now) is a great help for us vets. as i said, it doesn't cause munchies, but it does have similar effects on human physiology as caffeine (increased heart rate, metabolism speeds up, hunger fades, focus remains, also helps you fall asleep if the Hoodia keeps you awake, as some users report) which brings me to the 7th and final stone of success...

crystal lite - the gift of delicious and relatively inexpensive endless water-based beverages with no sugar, carbohydrates, or calories. so many flavors now - iced tea w/ peach or raspberry, green tea w/ raspberry, fruit punch, white grape juice, cherry-pomegranate "energy" which stuffs some vitamins in it for flare, raspberry ice, lemonade: both yellow or pink, the choices are endless. and they're even better mixed together. i started this fast off with 4 emptied out and washed 1 gallon milk jugs filled with ice cold crystal lite. i chose 1 of only fruit punch, 1 of only white grape, then 1 of a mix of white grape and cherry-pomegranate, and the last of green tea w/ raspberry & cherry-pomegranate. these are INVALUABLE as you can and should drink as much water as possible, and crystal lite is 99% water. but it doesn't suck and taste like nothing (like water) so you can chug it. warning: buy in bulk because they're expensive in singles. (editor's note: if you prefer, sugar-free kool-aid works, or Wyler's Lite, the faux crystal like of fine grocers everywhere)

step 3: don't weigh yourself at first. give it a few days and you'll be much happier to finish
so many people quit fasting because they want immediate results. here's what i've found in my 11+ years of "Extreme Dieting®":
1. the first couple days are the hardest. you'll want to run out and binge, kill yourself, kill your friends, perhaps then eat your friends, the emotions swimming in your brain will be overwhelming. this is all normal. this is when willpower and pot are helpful. smoke it away or have some CL.
2. the morning of the 3rd day is when things start to change.. and its fun. you wake up feeling rested. you don't think of food much and aren't hungry. your body realized overnight that its time to get in shape and so it says "well, we better slow the metabolism until he has a chance to find food." that slowdown only lasts as long as it takes to trick it with the 7 stones of success and your back to weight loss bliss without any of the hunger pains.
3. after 1 week, you will notice your pants don't fit. this is positive reinforcement designed by the pant manufacturing union of America to help us with eating disorders mark our progress.
it's simple, really. if the pants fall to your hips only, keep going. if down to buttcheek, you're making progress. if they're at your ankle, time to get new pants and repeat the process. rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.
4. the last stage is really up to you. your sugar addiction will have subsided. if you had migraines before, they're gone now. your focus is so sharp. you feel a clear mind even when you're high. you have lots of energy and are looking great. you choose the ending date, but its usually best to have a set weight loss goal in mind before you begin the entire process. mine is 160 lbs. i've put on some weight and will not reveal it currently until i've fasted a couple days.

Step 4: begin
1 day down, at least 20 to go (3 weeks for those of you who can't add)

wish me luck. and post comments of encouragement.

<3 the o.g.