Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all, "a disappointment." Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop.

Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

This day is officially shitty.

Okay. I got into another fight with my boyfriend. It's been like a week of us fighting. I'm not sure if it's worth it anymore. This is complete hell, I feel like killing myself when we fight like this. He won't talk to me. Then he gets mad at himself when I do stupid things like cut myself or puke blood. I exercised and burned off 600 calories. I was pissed. I went out for a walk, too. I'm exhausted. I hate myself and my life. I want to sleep and never wake up anymore. I think if we keep fighting like this, it's better that we break up. I can't take it anymore.
On a random note, for all of you wanting to become anorexic. It's hell. Trust me. There are better ways to lose weight. I've noticed people google "how to be anorexic" and stuff a lot. Well, don't. Stop. You don't wanna get involved in the world of the eating disordered. I wish someone warned me, I wish I knew.
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2 comments:

  1. LolaVegaApril 9, 2012 at 1:29 PM

    I thought i had jus tripped into ana... but tody i tried eating, i was scared i was going to become ana and i just wanted to be normal... but it feels wrong, the hours i lasted before purging lasted forever and time slowed down and my stomach ached and my hands shook, i cant eat, its not me anymore, its not who i am, i am ana now...no one would beleive me if i told them because even though im 'technically' underweight... i still look the same, fat, ugly, gross.. i wish i had someone, i wish there was someone, because now i purge, i cut and i am in love with the feeling of hunger but tortured by it at the same time, if i told someone they would make the hunger go away... but i dont want it to
    i understand and im so happy i found this blog,i can't follow, but i will be reading xx

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  2. AlexMay 12, 2012 at 11:07 PM

    its like you get high off the feeling of ridding yourself of the chance of being fat and of seeping pain from your veins just to get it out. I don't know why its hard for me to purge but starving myself and cutting comes naturally. its all so crazy but its routine and its become my normal. Without it I feel incomplete and sick to my stomach. I hope you can find someone to support you and I hope you remember your not alone!

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